GroupieLiterature.net: The True Story
by The Lone Chocobo
Summary: COMPLETE!!! Learn the truth behind the biggest fanfic site out there, and recent errors! Zell's first day of work leads to many problems... including Bill Gates and other usless characters. This actually has a plot!!!! Read and Review Please!!!!!!!!
1. Entering the Shrine of Gates, Bill Gates

Okay this was done in the most wonderful of spirit to the most wonderful of people and places………  Don't own final fantasy or anything else

GroupieLiterature.net, the inspiring tale of Zell's first day of work.

One could cut the tension with a spork; the tension was that thick.  Cyber nerds and geeks alike arrived at headquarters, like locust through time.  As each one entered the building, they would stop at the main entrance.  Adorning the great walls of the hallowed building where murals of all the majestic ones before.  

Each employee silently paid their respects to the fallen idols: pong, commodore 64, Apple IIe, Atari, Sega (all of them), Packer Bell, and e-machines.  Yes, I understand they are still around – but let's just face it, time is running out.  Finally, each would bow down to the Golden Gates – the 24k Bill Gates Statue of him holding a monopoly board in one hand and congress in the other.

Zell nervously marveled at all wonders that were GroupieLiterature.net.  He walked up to one of the passer by to ask some information about where to go for his first day of work.  Unfortunately, the person not being used to being approached by anyone that was jock-like, was very scared. 

The horrified employee quickly handed over his lunch money, his American Express Gold Card, and of course, keys to the 2002 black Jag in the parking lot.  Yes, not much had changed from high school, just the rewards got better.  

Zell pocketed the keys and continued on to the information desk.  "Yes I'm looking for Zing - I'm the newest employing her/his/it's division."  

No problem stated the guard, "Just turn 180' around walk in angle that is parallel to the curvature of the earth, and then divide the number of days in the Chinese New Year by the circumference of Rush Limbaugh's head.  Then push the altitude-increasing apparatus to the level of which you aspire. Which I believe shall be the same as the United States President's that were born in the state of Illinois plus the number of them who 'didn't have sexual relations' with interns... then add the number of Windows XP sold within the continental untied states, then subtract the number of dollars in Microsoft stock that were traded on the NYSE yesterday."

"Huh," stated Zell.  "What?"

The guard laughed, "You caught me – they don't trade technology stock there!" The guard then snorted to himself for twenty minutes.  Soon as he was finally able to use his inhaler, the guard turned back to the confused looking spiky haired dude, "Um… okay… yeah… your one of _those guys. Go right to the elevator, and then get off at the fiftieth floor.  Um… yeah… what division are you going to work in again?"_

Zell smiled at the man, "I'm going to be the dude that makes sure that website keeps running and there are never _any interruptions of service.  How hard could that be…?"_

Just like the guy in the white suit in Jurassic Park (Not the guy from KFC ads) - The guard stepped out from behind the desk with his cane.  Suddenly loud music composed by _John Williams blared through the PA system as the guard in the best British accent he could do (Which is hard when you live the valley, __for sure – totally dude!) announced, "Welcome to GroupieLiterature.net"_

Yes indeed what could possible go wrong?

Next time on GroupieLiterature.net – Zell tries, and tries, and tries to log in… Will he stop getting that annoying error message? Will he ever find his boss the ever-elusive Zing?  Stay tuned…. For the next edition of Fan… um no… GroupieLitature.net…….


	2. Incorporated, patent pending

Still don't own them…

GroupieLitureature.net: Incorporated, patent pending 

Zell eagerly walked out the elevator, ready to start his first day of work.  This although, was not his floor, so he had to get back into said elevator.  After listening to several minutes of the orchestral version of "_Like a Virgin", he arrived at his destination.  Yes, this was the right floor this time…_

He was greeting by a fellow employee who quickly handed him this identification badge and mandatory pocket protector.  For it was company policy to wear protectors at all times, three deaths had happened over the last four years due to "_accidental stabbings with roller ball pens."  _

It is the era of lawsuits, so precautions must be taken.

He was lead by the employee, which everyone lovingly referred to as "_Urkel", to a room of computers. _

"This is where you will be working," explained the young computer geek. "Your job is simple, even an _un-trained chimpanzee could handle it.  Unfortunately for us, the chimp wanted more money than you."_

Zell smiled at the man, even though internally, he was mentally calling the man a Pee-Wee Herman want-to-be.  It was his first day and all, so the insults would remain silent, for the time being. 

The computer nerd shook his head at the confused martial artist.  How could anyone let this man into his or her cherished company?  Darn, George W. Bush, and his "send a moron to work job program."  

Yes, this Zell was a charity case even he could even see that.

"See this red dot here…" explained the programmer."Your job, if you choice to accept it, is to watch said red dot on the monitor and make sure it stays on."

"What's if it goes off?" questioned Zell.

"Get someone gel-hair boy, just make sure you do it within 10 seconds.  We have customers and they always come first here at GroupieFiction.net, _incorporated patent pending."_

"Got it.  What do you guys do here?" again questioned Zell.

The man picked himself off the floor, due to passing out. How could anyone not know about GroupieFiction.net? The words were as common as Britney Spears, Viagra, or antibiotics? Yes, this man did have a few loose wires in his motherboard.

"We are only the largest multimillion gil company in the world with assets in New York, Tokyo, and Scottsbluff, Nebraska!  We are gods among men, we choice who lives or dies, but basically we just let people write stuff and post it on our site."

"Write? So people write stuff for your site?" inquired the blonde man.  "What kind of stuff?"

"Anything but LISTS!!!! Lists are evil, they are the work of _Satan, the devil himself.  Lead by the prince of darkness' wicked archangel, David Letterman.  Lists are what are ripping this great nation apart; many wars have been fought over them, such as the great "Indipend-list War". Fought be our forefathers when Galbadia attempted to send us a "list" of why their tea was more flavorful then ours.  (Cue dramatic music, again written by __John Williams) For if we stand together July 4th will not only by a Balamb holiday, the world shall unite against the evil aliens… um no… against Dave Letterman and his "lists", let's show the world "this is our Indipend-list Day!" Lists pollute the very values that we stand here at GroupieLiturature.net __incorporated, patent pending."_

Zell stood starring at the young man, "Yeah, okay you really have issues, don't you? I just thought it was because someone wrote a list of _'Why GroupieLiterature.net Sux!"_

"Oh yeah, that too.  Okay, anyway back to your job… You just sit in this chair, and watch the red dot."

"Cool, I can handle that," said Zell with certainly.

The computer geek looked loathingly at the man.  This guy probably didn't know a hard drive from hard water, a keyboard from a cupboard, or a monitor from Martha Steward in a thong.  Yes, this guy was computer illiterate.  Oh well, thought the man.  

"UNIX or DOS?" questioned the guy to confirm his suspicions.

"No, not right now I had a doughnut for breakfast," answered Zell.

"Yeah, okay then.  Bye."

Urkel left starting to hum "Mr. Roboto" the official theme song of the support group "_Nerds Are People Too".  He had a sinking feeling deep within his dark-rimmed, taped glasses something bad was going to happen._

Zell sat quietly at the computer for almost two hours, during break he even ventured to the "_break room" a place where many a geek sits at his laptop.  He returned to his post with a Coke in one hand and the autobiography of Bill Clinton, "__You suck and I don't", in the other hand. _

Suddenly a loud buzzer rang and employees started running everywhere.  Zell stopped someone and asked what was wrong. 

The answer he got was unsettling. 

"We here at GroupieLiturate.net _incorporated, __patent pending were just informed where going to upgrade to the latest, greatest technology we are changing from v5.0 to v5.075! Moreover, as such, are required to give offerings to appease the Microsoft God, Golden Gates.  We must find something to satisfy his needs…"_

Wow, these people were weird.  Zell ran back to his computer room ready to start his new sessions of _staring at the red dot.  Something shocking had happened… when he got up; the Coke was knocked all over the keyboard!  Letters were sticking everywhere and the "O" was not working.  Which in itself was traumatic because he could no longer spell "h*t d*gs" his password for log on.  _

In is attempted to clean the computer keyboard, he the power button with one of his spiky hairs clumps, there by setting up a chain of events to unbelievable to even describe. But somehow, ending with a rabid grunt worm tangled in the mainframe… there by, yes you guessed it, turning off the red dot!

GroupieLiterature.net Incorporated, patent pending v5.0, was down… 

All that showed on the computer monitor was the error… "_Unable to reach server, website not responding."  This was a tragedy indeed, more tragic then the time Zell electrocuted Leviathan with a hair dryer.  He needed help, and quick. So he decided to call the rest of the gang over to headquarters of GroupieLiterature.net Incorporated, __patent pending. However, would they arrive in time to fix the problems?_

Will the still elusive Zing run off to Disneyland with all the profits?  Will Zell still be able to log?  Will Squall and Rinoa leave needlepoint class to help? Find out next time!


	3. Blame it on Gary Coleman...

Still do not own anything but the feathers covering by back…

I would like to dedicate this chapter to the funniest and most wonderful people I know, okay may not know them… but they are still wonderful internet people who totally don't freak me out and make me want to get restraining orders: Cra5hovride, Wayward Tempest, Ashbear, RobertDogwood, The Vogue Moogle, Bella Reggaza, DarkSquall, and Vick330!  These are some of the funniest nicest people, I know… I would be nowhere today without their wonderful wisdom and encouragement.  I someday wish to be half the writers they are… oh the other great person I know?  Well that is Carrot Top...who inspired me to use 1-800-COLLECT to call grandma in Boca Raton!

GroupieLiterature.net the saga continues…

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… the Rebel Alliance had… crap… er… whoops - wrong script.  A short time ago in the headquarters of GroupieLiterature.net we watched as Zell spill his coke (Um, now that hasn't happened to anyone before has it?  Still soaking the keys in warm water) on to the keyboard there by accidentally turning the sanctified _red dot off. _

Lord Vader had just informed Squall he was his father… darn it!  (Yes, another _John Williams piece – cue music) George Lucas is playing tricks on me again.  I told you George, I would not write episode three for you!!! Okay, Sir Laguna had just informed Squall that he was his father thereby sending him into hours of therapy with Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Laura, Dr. Pepper and Dr. Demento.  _

Rinoa, being the concerned girlfriend she is, suggested a hobby; to everybody's surprise, Squall picked needlepoint classes. So, we now join them as they arrive at GroupieLiterature.net headquarters to help their best friend from the clutches of the evil Emperor Zing…

Rinoa ran in horrified at the thought of her buddy, Zell being in distress, "Zell, we got here as soon as possible.  But somebody didn't want to leave class." 

Rinoa slapped Squall on the shoulder.

Zell looked at the commander, "I'm in serious trouble here dude.  How could you not want to leave class?"

Squall glared at the man, "This week was cross-stitch week!  My beautiful picture is not done."  

He held up a lovely hand made sign that stated "Whatever Sweet Whateve,."

"Dude where is your other 'r'?" Zell questioned.

"Didn't get it done because someone had a crisis and called me out of class!"  Squall yelled then went to go stand alone in the corner.

Rinoa jumped to her boyfriends defense, "Zell, please.  Squall just needs a moment right now he is going to his 'happy' place."

"Happy place?" Zell wondered aloud.

"Yes, the shrinks told him if he gets upset to go by himself. And picture himself in a place he feels very comfortable in, his '_happy place'.  Which I believe is currently the electronics department at Wal-Mart."_

Zell scratched his head, "Alrighty then… okay I have a big problem here.  I need to get this red dot back on.  I can't get anyone here to help me; they are all trying to find something to appease the all-mighty god, '_The Golden Gates.' The longer this little dot is off, the longer millions of people can't write stories about things!"_

"Things," questioned Rinoa.

"Trust me Rin; you don't want to know half of the stuff written here at GroupieLiterature.net.  I just don't know what to do!"

"Zell, did you try turning _on the power?" Rin questioned._

"Yes, but it didn't work and the longer this dot is off the creative writers can't post their wonderful creations.  Millions, upon millions, of stories are going unread and unreviewed.   The fate of civilization is rested upon my broad, _yet handsome, shoulders.  That is not the biggest problem… I think I lost half of the stories."_

"How did you manage that?" Rinoa inquired still completely lost in the strange situation.

"Well this button said – _don't ever push this button.  So, I pushed it.  I thought it was some kind of mind game!  After I did, Gary Coleman came in with a hammer and smashed that computer over there.  You know Gary Coleman, child-actor of the eighty's breakthrough television show 'Different Stokes'.  It was the scariest thing I have ever seen!"_

"Scarier than _Kiros in a thong?" Rinoa asked._

"Yes!" screamed Zell.

Squall finally walked from the corner and left his '_happy place' wanting to get in on this part of the conversation.  _

"Scarier than _Ward in a thong?" asked Squall._

"Yes… it was that scary," calmly stated Zell.

"Oh Hyne, that is bad," agreed the commander.  

Yes, for it was scarier then both of Laguna's lackeys in thongs.  A sight that everyone had actual seen after a Christmas party at Garden.  One that many students are still trying to forget, and sent twenty-three girls into the profession of nun-hood.  

Squall quickly went into commander mode at the very thought of thousands of stories being erased by the hands of Gary Coleman.  Especially the one's Squall wrote under the name '_Hotter than Ifrit'. Not that any of his friends knew about this… but lets face it some stories on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek, and __Atari's Pong just had it be told!  Yes, Squall was a creative fanfiction genius by night, and a mild-mannered reporter… um commander by day.  Not to mention the NC-17 Squall and Rinoa fics he wrote, praying she would never find them.  _

"We must help the nerds find an offering to the Microsoft God!  What would be worthy of the computer geeks… hmmm?  If only Quistis was here, she would know what to do.  Half of these guys used to be Trepies, only she could understand there binary code of language!"

Zell lit up like Cactuar being by lighting during a severe drought. 

"That's it!  We must get Quistis down here so the GroupieLiterature.net. Employees can offer her to the Golden Gates, thereby allowing me to get Urkel's attention, and finally re-establishing the red dot on the monitor.  Then everyone can use the network again!  Yes, I am pure genius."

Next time on GroupieLiterature.net:  Will Zell convince Quistis to reunite with the former Trepies?  Will the evil Emperor Zing find out about his good twin Zang?  Will Squall get the 'r' put in his 'Whatever' and will his girlfriend discover his secret writing identity? Especially that NC-17 story about Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis, and Edea…. Oops.


	4. Ode to Jay Ward

Still don't own anything but my 8-track tapes of ABBA!

When we last left our hero's in the small town of Frostbite Falls... Squirrel and Moose had just foiled another dastardly plan of… huh what?  Oh, yes I know that's the wrong script but it has been my dream to be the announcer for the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.  But, no, I got this job in a stupid second-rate fic… Fine, I'll do it your way:

Last time we left our hero's at GroupieLiterature.net, they were desperately trying to finds something to appease the Golden Gates.  Quick thinking, plus a large poster on the wall stating "_Quistis Rulz", led them to believe that Quistis could communicate with the employee's. _

They did speak Trepie after all.  

Squall was scared, _very, very scared.  Never in his life was he more afraid of a secret to be revealed.  Yes, he sat over in the corner nervously.  What if Rinoa found out?  Yes, "__Hotter than Ifrit" was the number one rated author of adult fanfiction anywhere.  Such classics as "Shiva Does Balamb" and the holiday classic "It's a SeeDy Life" could get the dear commander into much trouble… he did have a habit of letting personal experience make in on the page, Rinoa would know for sure! Um… maybe._

Zell and Rinoa still worked on the computer, pulling colored wires here and there.  Nothing worked.  They needed an Audio Visual Geek in here for sure. (Author Note: I was the President of our A/V club! Go slide projectors!)  Gee, they needed someone here quick who could speak the international language of computer people everywhere, binary. 

Suddenly a huge scream echoed throughout the building. They had heard that scream only one time before, when Quistis found out that _New Kids on the Block were breaking up.  Yes, it was that bad.  The three quickly ran out of, well let's just call it "__the red-dot room" for lack of being creative.  What they saw totally amazed them; Quistis was keeping the Trepies back with the use of her whip.  However, she was far out numbered.  This was in fact a community college town; with seventeen different places, one could get a computer degree in within 3 months.  _

The odds where against her.

Rinoa yelled to Squall (Who still was attempting to hide all his files) to save Quistis.  Squall looked at the computer, then at Quistis, then the computer, then at Quistis, well this went on a good 60 seconds before he finally decided to go save the instructor. 

Rinoa yelled, "Squall use your gunblade and save her!"  

Squall only shook his head, "Um… Rinny security would not let me bring it in.  But, they gave me this lovely summer sausage and a cheese log!  I feel like its Christmas now I just want Seifer in an elf suit! Um… that didn't sound right did it?  I want Seifer to be forced to wear an elf suit and… oh just forget it." 

Rinoa shook her head; Squall could sometimes be such a goober. 

The sorceress knew they had no weapons, this needed desperate measures.  _No, not that drastic… you perverts! Standing up on the nearest desk, she whispered to the men, "Okay you two cover me…" _

With that, she started yelling at the top of her lungs, "Bill Gates is a moron!" 

It worked suddenly the room grew very quite nobody moved.  Rinoa knew she had to get them over to her, "And Windows XP is slower then Tonberry running a marathon!  The XboX is a cheap imitation of the PS2! MSN is fifty times slower than AOL – _and we all know how much AOL SUX. And Macintosh Computers RULZ!"  _

The room turned uglier then Adel in a string thong bikini, and believe me that was saying a lot.

Rinoa jumped off the desk, standing between the two men.  Who were both still a little miffed about the Tonberry comment, Tonberry could _kick butt in a marathon!  You should see that little guy after a cup of coffee – tell him there is a blue light sale at K-Mart and eat his dust!  The crowd started walking toward them with caution, like Cactuar at a salad bar.  Squall looked over at Rinoa, a hint of something in his eye.  Yes, I think it was __cheese?  What had he been doing while she was talking to these people?  _

Wiping the cheddar out of his eye he, like the commander he was, yelled, "Run for it – the nerds are coming!"  

The four managed to make it back to Zell's red-dot room, slamming the door behind them. 

"Hyne what are we going to do!" gasped poor Zell.  

Like an answer from the second-rate fanfiction god he/she/it is, a bright flash appeared evoking everything around.  Slowly the door opened… to reveal something dreadful, something horrible, and something from a second-rate (Yet wonderfully done!) classic cartoon of the late sixties.  It was Peabody and his boy Sherman.  

"We have arrived in our way-back machine to fix this mess!"

"Great," Squall said, "We can go back so this never happens, then I'll never have to leave needlepoint class!  Watch out Be-Dazzler bead machine, _as seen on television, here comes Squall!  You shall be mine for only four easy payments!" _

Peabody shook his little doggy head, "No Miss… um mister I'm sorry.  The writer only had enough Gil to send me back to _this point. I don't do charity work; well there was that one Pauly Shore movie innocent, but I learned my lesson with his next motion picture "__Jury Duty". Therefore, I just need to tell you how to change things from here.  Basically all I can say to change the future is don't let Zell kiss a behemoth in a sequined dress.  I have nothing else to add."_

Rinoa questioned the wise canine, "A behemoth wouldn't look good in sequins, and would it make its thighs way to big?  Velvet, I see velvet much more flattering."  

The others turned and looked at her with confusion.  She continued, "Hey I wanted to go to fashion school but the rebel-group-princess thing had better life insurance plus a free membership to Sam's Club. So what happens if he _does kiss said behemoth?" _

Zell attempted to attack Rinoa for statement of him _actually wanting to kiss a behemoth.  She looked back at him, "Come on Zell you could do worse." _

He thought about for a minute, smiled, and then agreed.

Sherman held out his little portable television set,   "Well there are a lot of things that change in the future. Pepsi and Coke combine to form "_Poke", __Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VI wins best picture of the year at the Oscars and let's just say that NBC's Thursday night line-up is replaced by three hours of __Murder she Wrote and that's the best part of the scenario."_

The three cringed, except for Zell who added, "Hey, I think Angela Lansburry is kinda hot!"  

This time even the dog cringed.   Yes, Zell the behemoth is looking better!

With the disappearance of the Sherman and Peabody, and subsequent autograph and photo opportunity. The four were left to ponder the meaning of life, or at least to ponder the meaning of _GroupieLiturature.net. Quistis listened to the whole story carefully, taking mental note not to let Zell anywhere around her new top-of-the-line Techno Dog.  A gift from Seifer, after losing in a heated battle of Pictionary with Rinoa and Squall.  _

"So, people write things and post them here?" Quistis inquired.

"Yes!" exclaimed Zell, "why do I always have to repeat myself?"

Quistis thought for another moment, "Well, I was doing okay with the story until the Gary Coleman incident_.  What you talkin' about Zell? (Okay like nobody knew that was coming in here somewhere, geesh!) Why would 80's child star Gary Coleman televisions Arnold Jackson want to destroy this place?  I mean that cute guy couldn't hurt a flea __or Nida whichever you find more pathetic!"_

Squall pointed to the computer that remained smashed while starting to sing the theme song from different strokes.  Before you know all four of them where singing, it is a catching little tune. 

_Now the world don't turn to the beat of just one drum what might be right for you may not be right for some… Well you get it. Author must take break to sing and dance to rest of song.  Dance, dance, high kick, dance, moonwalk….okay done._

Cooler heads then prevailed as a knock sounded on the door, "Help guys… its Selphie and Irvine quick let us in.  We distracted them by un-alphabetizing their system recover disks."

The others let the cowboy and his sidekick in the small, now over crowded, room.  Yes, since the two had been dating they had been known as The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick Robin.  Okay people at Garden were not the brightest… *cough* Xu *cough*.  

"Wow, the home of GroupieLiterature.net!" exclaimed Selphie.  "I write for this place… my stories on Sponge Bob Square Pants can't be beat!"

Irvine rolled his eyes, "Yes, and If I must proof another story about Squidward, I'm going to cry.  I also write stories for here."

Squall did not like where this was going, especially after Irvine's next words, "I do a lot of adult stuff write under the name _Beefier than Bahamut." _

Yes, for it was true.  _Beefier than Bahamut was __Hotter than Ifrit's greatest rival.  It was a battle greater than Squall and Seifer.  A battle nobler than Rocky Balboa and um… whoever he was currently fighting to save humankind from the Russians, the (insert current enemy here for rocky to fight) or even that evil frogman from Scooby Doo… yes that was in __Rocky XIII Rocky vs. Velma. Yes, or even greater than the debate between __crispy and __extra crispy. _

Irvine continued, "I can't let anything happen to our stories, I currently had 10 more reviews than my rival.  I must fix this place!  Does anybody know where we can find something to make these computer wieners happy?"

Zell looked at the instructor, "Quistis speaks _their language, half of them used to be Trepies. She tried talking to them once, but they only started attacking her, mumbling something about a sacrifice to the Golden Gates."_

Selphie nodded, "You need to calm them down.  I know just the thing!"  

Selphie found the master video switch and started flipping through the television channels until she found exactly what she was looking for….  "Now the further adventures of _Dudley Do-Right!"_

Yes, what Selphie knew, that nobody else there did, was that this current group of Trepies was from our neighbor to the north!  Nobody at GroupieLitureate.net could pass up an adventure with their favorite Mountie!

The six were watching out of the slightly ajar door.  Perfect… it was working perfect so far.  

"Okay," explained Selphie, "You guys work on fixing the computer and we'll try to get Quistis to speak to their leader… Zing."  

Everyone agreed, because it is my fanfiction and it's two in the morning and I need sleep. Therefore, even if they did not agree, _they do now!  Wow the power Muhahahahaha…_

As Selphie and Quistis were about to leave the room, they heard a faint echo, "_Remember your friends…" Great, it was Ultimecia playing mind games again.  _

Selphie looked at Rinoa, "Um you're the one who is supposed to turn into her later on right?"

Rinoa nodded, "Well yes, according to some people out there and a web-site that has proof… Darn that _I am Ultimecia tattoo on my back.  I still don't think so though, I have better fashion sense, but on the positive side __I do get a boob job out of it." She whacked Squall on the back of the head. "I saw that celebration Cactuar dance over-there buddy.  __Note to self, have breast enlargement after turning evil." _

"Okay," agreed Selphie, "You deal with her and her idol threats.  I will go help Quisty over here."

Zell sat back at his chair, yes the very same one that this whole mess started in.  _Thanks Zell.  He saw another button, "__Do not push – this means you Zell."  Darn it, a button that actually said that!  Wow what a day!  First finding that mold infested hot dog on the way to work now this, a button made for just him.  Do I really need to tell you people what happens….???? _

He pushed the button *gasp* and *double gasp*.

Across the room, two figures stood out of everyone's sight.  Yes, it was that dastardly duo of Boris and Natasha.  

The little man tweaked his mustache, "Yez!  Zell fell for it!  Dr. Odine waz right, this was eazier to do than catch Mooze and Squirrel!  Now they shall be sucked into the vortex of Time Compression with no weapons, darling!"

The tall women laughed, "Yes Boris, Dr. Odine shall have his revenge.  Now his stories are the only one's that shall exist on _GroupieLiterature.net in the time-compressed world!  Tis so easy, since they will end up at orphanage to remember their friends, and where they want to be!  Snidely Whiplash is waiting at the there with lotz a rope and train tracks.  This shall be end of them!"_

The room started swirling like in a cheesy Austin Powers effect; more like an effect made by a Cheesy Garden Pilot who thinks he is Spielberg. *cough* _Nida *cough*. Again, a voice said, "__Remember your Friends." The room then returned to normal.  _

"What was that about?" questioned Rinoa.

"I don't know," explained Irvine.  "Oh no!  That button was marked _Time Compression for dummies! We need to check out if Selphie and Quistis are all right."_

They all agreed (yes again – so easy when you tell them they have to agree!).  The room seemed different, very different.  

Rinoa looked around, "Um guys who put this coffee house here?  Weren't we just at the _GroupieLiteratrue.net headquarters?  Why does this place look soooo familiar?  Why is this place busy, yet nobody is sitting at the couch in the middle?"_

Squall hit his head, "I think this one maybe my fault, I was kinda thinking about this place.  He held out his electronic voice organizer.  It _was not Ultimecia after all; I just left a message to remind myself to record Friends tonight!  Go figure."_

Rinoa looked around, "So that would mean that you were thinking about _Friends during… oh no."_

Next time on GroupieLiterature.net, will Irvine and Joey trade womanizing secrets?  Will Selphie and Quistis find Zing?  Will they realize that their not in Kansas anymore?  Will Bullwinkle ever pull a rabbit out of his hat?  Stay tuned for our next episode "Squall Wars" or "Martha Steward Strikes Back."


	5. The other guy from Wham!

**Special Note: My very favorite actor was Gary Coleman growing up… that show reminds me of my childhood.  I honestly think that was a great show, it showed diversity among us.  I hope that everyone remembers that. Gary Coleman in this fic is not evil, just the opposite.. he stands for everything good, the underdog. The people that we forget about, that have a special part of our history. **

The stench of panic filled the room, oh wait, it wasn't panic, it was Zell.  Yes, he had one too many chili cheese dogs for breakfast.  The _true breakfast of champions.   The others quickly backed away from him, far away.  Rinoa stared at her surroundings and wondered if they would have time for a cappuccino.  However, darn it; there is always time for cappuccino. Therefore, they made their way to the fluffy center coach to discuss the situation.  Rinoa went over the problem several times, but none of the guys was listening… each with their eyes focused on the door hoping Rachael would come it. Because, let's face it, Jennifer Aniston __is hot, even to video game characters. _

Each decided that they would take a look around New York City; maybe something there would give them a clue how to reverse the effects of time compression.  Zell, being Zell, decided that the answer would lie somewhere unusual, somewhere fun… Like FAO Schwartz.  

Therefore, he found a cab, and jumped right in.  Let's face it, the chances of that happening are slim to none – what was even scarier was each spoke the same language.  

Zell was forced into a foreign language class at Garden, all the cool one were taken, so he ended up learning a now debunked ancient version of a pigmy tribe that lived among crocodiles of the Nile river about 2165 years ago… and only could be spoken on a full moon when it was a Tuesday. Amazingly enough, _it was Tuesday. (Hey, peeps this is my fic – if you want something that makes sense read a good author) In addition, this tribe had thirty-seven different words for "Hot Dog." _

Yes, it was a good day for Zell. 

He then spent the next four hours with his new friend Zamboni (Named after the famous _Zamboni Ice machines that smooth the ice at rinks) playing with the large floor keyboard as seen in the movie __Big, with three time Oscar winner Tom Hanks. Which by the way, as far as I know, John Williams did __not write the music for._

Now Squall and Rinoa had other ideas… well he originally wanted to hit the strip clubs with Irvine, but was quickly vetoed by Rinoa.  Saying something about her idol Hilary Clinton living within driving distance. Squall then realized that maybe he could meet Bill.  No, not his idol, but hey… how cool is that?  How many idea's could "_Hotter than Ifrit" get talking to a hound dog like good ole' Slick Willie?  _

Yes, the GroupieLiterature.net reviews would be going through the roof!  

So, after the four reunited, Zell happened to notice a television set.  

"Hey guys, look," he yelled. "On the television… it's David Letterman, that is, _Arch Angel David Letterman Commander of the Dark Army of Lists. His daily top ten lists could get us back to GroupieLit headquarters… whereby we can save poor Quistis and Selphie, and appease the God Golden Gates. I wish I had never had that Coke that spilled on the keyboard, thereby causing a chain of events that caused the red light to go out.  Needlessly ending us up here in this purgatory of time compression.  Plus the scary appearance of 80's sitcom genius Gary Coleman."_

Rinoa went over and whacked him on the head, "Darn it Zell. Thank you for re-capping the entire story. I'm sure _these people just didn't read that.  Sorry everyone out there, Zell can be a little __redundant."_

"Hey guys, look," he yelled. "On the television… it's David Letterman, that is, _Arch Angel David Letterman Commander of the Dark Army of List…" _

He was abruptly cut off as Irvine, Squall, and Zamboni tackled him to the ground.

Everyone shook his or her heads in agreement, even Zell's new friend Zamboni.  Who somehow, nobody noticed wasn't part of the group.  Strange, isn't it? So the four headed to Dave's theatre snuck in, and found the computer that the lists were stored on…. 

_Back in the GroupieLiterature.net headquarters…  
  
_

The statue was a brilliant gold.  Eyes made of Pentium chips, and a robe made of USB cords… okay these people were a little freaky.

Quistis and Selphie walked up as the former Trepies were bowing down to the Golden Gates.  Chanting the gorgonian hymn that has been passed throughout the ages…

"Praise Bill… praise Bill… and er… praise the AWESOME Bill."

Did I mention that the gorgonian monks were watching _Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at the time? _

Quistis did what nobody had ever dared do, asked the questioned that nobody dared ask.

"Hey guys… what's so great about Bill Gates anyhow?"

A silent hush filled the room as the chanting stopped and whispering started… 

"Quistis," Selphie stated. "I don't like the looks of this."

"Me either. I was just curious."

As if guided by a divine force each of the workers took out the pocket protectors and hurled them toward our two helpless heroes. It was scarier than Rosanne Barr in a thong bikini, as protectors shot like bullets and shrapnel through the air.  

Suddenly, a bright blinding light flashed.  And all the followers fell to the floor.  A door opened from within the belly of the Golden Gates statue… a hush filled the room.

Nobody expected such an honor.  Bill Gates emerged like an angel with robes flowing of pure white.  Oh wait, the robe had the embroidery "_San Luca Day Spa" on it… (darn I always wanted to go there!)  On his right hand sat none other then Gary Coleman, 80's child star sitcom icon.  And on his left none other then the "__The other guy from Wham!" you know, the guy with dark hair that would sing "__Bu bu bu bu bum" and a couple other none words in songs, before George Michael dropped him like Ford did Firestone.  _

Yes, for it was the triad of greatness… representing all that was creative.  Arts, music, and, of coarse, Microsoft Solitaire.  The three walked out in their matching day spa robes.

"Hey you geeks," Bill spoke. "I was trying to get a facial… what is wrong with your brain processing unit?"  

They all pointed to Quistis and Selphie standing in the corner.

The three walked over to them as well as did the entourage of body guards, stock brokers, that guy from E.F. Hutton, Dan Marino former great of the Miami Dolphins _who was robbed out of never winning a Super Bowl, eleven supreme court justices, and of course the musical group "__Bare Naked Ladies". Because their name is just so darn funny._

Quistis was the first to speak, "Hey, look I'm a SeeD at Balamb Garden. I was just here to help a friend because he spilled a Coke on the keyboard there by starting a chain of events so unbelievable, even Milli Vinnili would think it was rigged.  Something about an upgrade to a higher version of GroupieLiteure.net, and something about a red light going out."

Bill laughed, "Oh, is that it?  Hey everyone… see that _orange dot over there… just go hit that and everything will be just fine."_

The group did as The Golden Gates said, and the upgrade was complete. People could post and peace returned to civilizations around the world… from Sparta, North Carolina to Elkhart, Indiana… from Tampa Bay, Florida to San Leandro, California… yeah and all those other countries out there… oh, and Canada… _especially Canada.  Because we all love Canada, and the great fanfiction writers who come from there._

About this time, Squall and company came running in…. very upset.

Zell yelled of the evil plot… when nobody understood him but Zamboni, Irvine stepped in.  

"Yo, the Dark Army of Lists headed by the Arch Angel David Letterman is right behind us… the world is doomed."

You could smell the fear within the room.  No, darn it, that was just Zell again.  

Bill yelled to his warriors (did I mention the Navy Seals that were with him?) and a battle waged.  When it was over David Letterman's army was forced from CBS to Lifetime for Women. Where he is currently hosting a show with Martha Stewart, Dear Abby, and Bea Arthur on how evil men are.  And yes, there are no lists allowed.  

It turned out that Gary Coleman and The Guy from Wham! Were protectors of time compression.  We owe our lives to them and their great commitments.  The acts of Gary smashing the computer were done to start the events that led to the victory!

Quistis and Bill Gates ended up dating; now she is the heir to a 3.7 trillion dollar empire.  Where her golden statue resides by Bill Gates.  Now Trepies can idolize her everyday.

Rinoa did find out about Squall's NC-17 stories, when she read about one their escapades on GroupieLitature.Net, _paten pending.  Squall changed their names to "Squill and Roina" and yes, she figured it out.  At first he was in the doghouse, but then she got used the idea… they now write joint stories under "__Hotter than Ifrit and Sexy than Shiva." They have far out surpassed Irvine's records… plus their sex life is as hot as ever._

Irvine and Selphie went into business with Gary Coleman and the _Wham! Guy…they currently are the number #1 infomercial of all time.  Nobody really knows what they sell, but you can buy it for five easy payments of $19.95 and they spend their free time at the day spa._

As for the sub-plot with Ultimecia… her, Boris, Natasha, and all other _Jay Ward copy write characters went on to do the greatest workout video's ever._

_And Finally,_

Zell and Zamboni went on to be the Co-Presidents of GroupieLiterature.net… where today neither the red, _nor orange, light has ever gone off again. People have been reading and posting their stories trouble free._

By the way, no more Coke is allowed near the keyboards.

Credits:

Writers: _Hotter than Ifrit and Sexy as Shiva_

Producers: _Zell & Zamboni Inc._

Director: _Seifer (Darn he has to be in here somewhere)_

Original score: _John Williams_

Filmed on location at GroupieLiterature.Net 

No animals or computer nerds were hurt in the writing of this fic…

Any resemblance of persons living or dead is completely intentional. 

Special thanks to: 

Galbadian Garden and their hockey team the Galbadian Grats for use of their Zamboni machine.

Martha Stewart who provided the lovely hand-painted napkin rings that were beautiful…yet efficient.

And

Wal-Mart Stores of America for allowing Squall to stand in his '_special place' when he got upset when Bill Gates said he looked "fat" in leather._


End file.
